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Tracy Ryan Marsh, 25, ended her own life Saturday, . She was a precious person filled with promise and generosity. The Reverend Craig Svenson conducted the service. It was outstanding. Attending her funeral was a blessing. The service is posted here that it might encourage others dealing with Tracy’s or someone else’s self-violent decision. Do you want help dealing with suicide? Funeral Message for Tracy (Ryan)
John -22 “A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me.” Then some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying to us, “A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me’; and “Because I am going to the Father’?” They said, “What does he mean by this “a little while’? We do not know what he is talking about.” Jesus knew that they wanted to ask him, so he said to them, “Are you discussing among yourselves what I meant when I said, “A little while, and you will no longer see me, and again a little while, and you will see me’? Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy. When a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come. But when her child is born, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy of having brought a human being into the world. So you have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.
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It was a difficult visit early Saturday morning. I was asked by the local police officer to accompany him to deliver a message to Tom and Linda that their daughter had died and that her death was more than likely her own doing. Responding to death by suicide is different than death as a result of an auto wreck. Suicide bears a stigma that raises a different set of feelings than death by other means. People wrestle with guilt and begin to question what might have been done or said differently that would have changed the events. The story of suicide is often incomplete because the person who holds the missing pieces to the story is no longer with us and we are left with the fragments.
We like to make excuses for the choices and for our inability of not being effective in influencing different choices. Facing the truth can be embarrassing, humiliating and can be a source of deep pain. But ignoring the fact does not change the end result. Actually, it seats the truth deep within our wounded self and prevents us from seeing what we need to see for our healing.
Life is messy. It is not a simple matter of right and wrong. It is not a matter of good vs. evil. Sad/happy. Joy/sorrow. Life is a blend of experiences, emotions and choices. Sometimes our choices work out and sometimes despite our best efforts, things just seem to fall apart. It has been a difficult six months for the Ryan family beginning in March when John passed away, then only one month later, Priscilla. Tracy loved her grandparents, especially her most beautiful Batam women grandpa. They loved teasing each other and giving each other a hard time. Tracy loved the farm animals and had names for them all. As Tracy prepared for her exciting wedding day, she no doubt felt a sense of sadness that two people who she respected and loved were not going to be there. Never the less, the day came and went and the family was excited to anticipate getting together this coming weekend to look through wedding pictures and remember the special event. But all that changed on Saturday morning and the family has come together for a different purpose, to grieve and come to grips with Tracys death and to seek comfort and assurance from a God who understands the messiness of life. No one can truly know the depth of your pain as you experience the loss of a daughter, sister, wife, niece, friend. Leigh grieves the loss of his little buddy as he often called her. The Jacksonville Jaguars has one less devoted fan. Tracys death has caused a real void in the lives of many people, probably more than she could have anticipated. But this is where we are and here is where we have to move forward as painful and incomplete as it is.
